Our family has some exciting news to share-we're having another baby! Just kidding. As exciting as another baby would be we are enjoying loving on our one baby now and for the foreseeable future. Speaking of our one baby, becoming a mom has been the most life changing thing that has ever happened to me. I swear my heart is full of so much love for my baby boy and his dad it feels like its going to explode out of my chest. Every stage with Porter I just adore more and more.motherhood is equally hard as it is beautiful, I am tired, oh so tired, but happy.
I went back to work when Porter was three months old and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I honestly truly love my job and the people I work with, but every morning as I sit in Porters nursery, snuggling him as he nurses, I physically ache knowing I have to leave him again. Five days a week, for almost nine hours a day, I'm away from him. Evenings are a blur, as we try and make dinner and spend time with Porter, wash bottles and pump parts, feed, bath and bed for baby and then we get up and repeat the next day. Its been brutal and I've cried from exhaustion, from feeling overwhelmed, from feeling like I was failing in every possible area of my life: as a mom, as a wife, as an employee, as a friend.
We've prayed for over a year now that God would open a door for me to work less, so I could be home more with Porter. In my small, human mind, I believed God would answer this prayer by giving my husband a huge fat raise and I could stay home or work part time and all our worries would disappear. But, it turns out God's plans weren't quite the plans I had so carefully laid out to Him. Last month, I was presented with an opportunity to work part time at another company, meaning I'd have to completely leave the job I have now. And we're taking a significant hit to our finances, which will require us to live a little more simply then we're accustomed to. And to us, the reward of me getting to spend a few more days at home with Porter a week far outweigh the costs. The Lord is so so faithful to us and I am just in awe of the way he has answered this deep prayer of my heart. Oh, it doesn't come without a sacrifice but no good thing does, does it?
The decision to accept the position is one I honestly struggled with. I prayed a prayer that honestly, I don't know for certain that I really believed God could answer it. I prayed it, but did I believe? And then when God answered it by presenting this opportunity that is the perfect fit for me and our family, I doubted if it was the right thing to do. Mostly, I was (and am) afraid. Afraid of change, afraid of the unknown, afraid that financially it might be hard. And it might be hard. And it might be scary. But the life I want is one where I can snuggle my baby just a little bit longer in the mornings. I want more than an hour and a half with him in the evenings before he goes to bed. I want to have time to just breathe, to enjoy my husband, to feel like my house isn't a constant battle zone I am just trying to survive in because I don't have the time or energy to do dishes and laundry and vacuum after working all day and taking care of a baby in the evening. I want to have more time with Porter where I am not trying to multitask and get dinner going and laundry folded and dishes put away at the same time. Long term, I want to be able to send Porter off to school and be there when he gets off the bus.
This new job, its going to allow me to stay working in my career field, but work more flexible hours. I will work three days in the office, and do some additional hours from home.Its exactly what we need in this season of our life, and I am just so incredibly grateful for the way God has answered this prayer, even in the midst of my doubt.
I'm hoping with some of my free time, that I can show up in this space a little more frequently as well.