Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Letting My Husband Lead

There is always a moment in a conversation that turns the corner around adult conversation to arguing and accusing. I remember distinctly walking that line during a conversation with my husband last week, and I felt the tension and frustration in my own heart start to bubble to the surface. We were having the same discussion (that was quickly heading towards argument) that we have had at least ten times over the past few months and I knew that this was not going to be the time I finally convinced him to see my side or "won" the argument, but still, I chose to engage in the conversation and let my emotions dictate my thoughts and words. Distinctly, I heard a fleeting whisper in my heart to let it go, to let my husband lead. And my instant reaction of the flesh was to cringe and balk at the thought of giving up something that I wanted so desperately to control.

Real life: I struggle daily with letting my husband lead, and because of this, often times I don't show him the respect that God instructs wives to give their husbands. I often struggle with the "biblical submission" in the way that I am not quick to become passive or bite my tongue when I have an opinion. To be honest, I'm not sure that's what God is asking of me every time my husband and I don't agree, but certainly there are times when its painfully clear that He is asking me to let my husband lead, to show him that I trust him enough to make a decision that is best for our family. 

On my wedding day, I stood in a white lace dress, holding Ronnie's hands as my eyes threatened to spill over with happy tears and promised to follow him, to trust him, to respect him and honor him. I think sometimes, I fail at at least one of those things on a daily basis. I am strong-willed, I'm opinionated, I am competitive and I don't like to lose. (Trust me, you should see us play games together. Its not pretty!) But what I've realized is that when I do whatever it takes to win an argument, my marriage often loses. I never walk away from a disagreement with my husband that I've "won" feeling victorious, instead, I find myself with lingering feelings of discontent and shame.
In the moment I felt God's whisper to give up my need to "win" the argument, I had a choice to make. I could keep fighting for what I thought was right, or I could trust God with my marriage, with my circumstances, and my future and choose to respect my husband and his leadership. 

And so I did. I told him I would drop it, and not continue to engage in the same conversation over again, and I apologized. And honestly? It didn't feel good! Right in that moment, I still felt frustrated and it felt so very unnatural. But over the next few days and through a lot of prayer, God softened my heart and gave me peace about the situation. I feel lighter now that I've given up the need to control this situation that has been out of my control the entire time. Choosing to step back, give up the reigns, and let my husband lead in this one area has not only established a healthy pattern in our marriage, but its also shifted something in my heart. Choosing obedience to God in this area of my marriage has not only impacted our marriage, but it has allowed God to prune out the ugly weeds in my heart as well.

Is letting your husband lead a struggle for you at times like it is for me? How do you show your husband respect and trust when your opinions differ on a subject? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
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