Lisa said it best in her post yesterday, that she's been feeling some messy things. Messy is a good way to describe some of the things I've been feeling myself, and I've been trying to sort them out while knowing its okay to not feel put together 100% of the time.
This whole having a baby in a short four and a half months is starting to hit me, and with all the excitement and joy it is bringing to my life, I also have started to process how drastically my life has already has, and is going to, change. I've been confronted head on with the reality that I am going to be a working mom, when I always have thought and dreamed that I would be a stay at home mom. I've battled a lot of fears about how to do it all, how to be a wife and a mom, a career woman, a friend, a daughter, a sister, an aunt, and a woman. I've worried about how my friendships will change, once we aren't in the same stage of life anymore, and worried about being left behind or forgotten. I desperately long to have some of my been there, done that best friends who are moms already nearby instead of across the country. Above all, throughout all of these transitions and fears, I've felt desperately alone. It sounds crazy, typing that out because I have a loving husband, a supportive family, and great friends near and far, but I've felt isolated and stuck in all of these messy thoughts by myself.
After processing through a lot of this with Lisa, I realized that I hadn't invited God into these areas of my life. I believed the lies that the things that were causing me this anxiety were either too small to ask of God, or maybe too big and too impossible for Him to be changed. Last night, through one small gesture, one text message, I realized that maybe God was just waiting for me to invite him into the mess. Waiting for me to give up trying to carry it all on my own, and take him for His word when He says He will give us rest when we come to him.
Minutes after I spent some time in prayer talking to God about all of this, a sweet friend who I haven't seen as much as I'd like lately reached out to me and asked me to go to coffee. Turns out, she was processing through her own things that were quite similar to what I have been processing, even though we're in different stages of life. It was one small text message, and its one date for brunch that left me with a feeling of hope, of peace knowing that God does care for us even in the smallest details. Over the past few weeks I've felt like God has been silent, but now I think that the truth is, I haven't given him control of these areas of my life and wrongly believed I could "sort it out" myself. One text, at the right time, reminded me just how much I need Him, and how incapable I am of doing this life on my own.