Friday, January 16, 2015

A Letter to My 22 Year Old Self

I've just settled in on my couch with a blanket, a cup of hot tea, and the only music that will do when you're writing a letter to your twenty-one year old self, old school Taylor Swift. I'm talking "Mine" and "Dear John" and "You're Not Sorry" Taylor music. I will always love her, but some days, some moments call for some reminiscing and nothing says college to me like her Fearless and Speak Now albums. Today's post cannot go without thanks to Lisa, who helped me delay the inevitable slip from "Lifestyle Blogger" to Mommy blogger. I had planned to share some nursery inspiration with you but thought I better put together some thoughts that have nothing to do with babies at least for one day. She gave me the really awesome post idea to write younger self a letter , so thanks Lisa.

Your spirit shines so bright, there's so much fire inside of you that I know you're not sure where to channel that right now. I see you striving to be what the world wants you to be, to find that perfect balance of smart and fun, of disciplined and carefree, funny and serious, of committed and easy going. Sweet girl, have you stopped to ask yourself who you want to be? Those masks you put on at work, at school, in front of your friends and parents and the boys can be put aside because you are going to learn that the only people worth having in your life are the people you can be completely 100% raw and real and yourself with. They're out there, and they're worth the wait.

You have so much life in your years, and that void in your heart that you desperately are trying to fill with the love, attention and affection from boys is is never going to feel full. Your heart aches to find the one who knows you, but until you know and love yourself, you'll never let anyone in enough to experience that true, unconditional love that your girl Taylor writes songs about. The scars of your past are enough to haunt you late at night, and I know you don't know it now, but you will walk through a long process of finding healing for them when you're ready, which ultimately will lead you to the man who will become your husband and the father of your babies. He will hold your heart in a shelter of love, protection, and unending grace and for the first time in your life, you will let down your walls and learn to love without fear.

Going out with your girlfriends is fun, but what makes your heart sing? What gives you life? Spend more time discovering your passion, and do more of it. There is more to you than your dress size and you matter, even when the guys at the bar don't flirt with you, or when the boy you went on a date with doesn't call you back for a second date. Can you see that? Invest more time into the things you love, and give yourself a break on the things that you do because you think you have to. Run because it makes you feel free, not because you want to fit into your skinny jeans next weekend. Take that weekend trip, eat that second cookie, and stay home on a Friday night with your roommates cuddled on the couch with ice cream and chick flicks. Sleep in on Saturdays and go to brunch on Sundays and remember that the memories you are creating now might just get you through the drudgery  when you have a professional nine to five job, wishing for just one more day of the carefree college life. You'll never be as free as you are right now. When your heart hurts, crawl into your roommates bed because you can, and you'd want her to do the same.

Hey, its okay that you don't really love the major you chose. Just because you spent the last few years immersed in teaching methods and philosophy doesn't mean that this is what you have to do with your life. In fact, in five years, you will be working in a completely different field, feeling far more fulfilled than you ever did in a classroom. Let go of that voice that tells you you're a failure when all your classmates are getting full time teaching jobs and you're holding back, wondering if maybe there's something else you're meant to do. Your four five years in college were not wasted years. You learned so more than just how to be a teacher.

You are not your mistakes in your past, and you are not a disappointment to God. And He may feel so far away from you, but He's right there with you guiding you back to Him. Let him carry you when you don't think you can keep going. His grace, His forgiveness and unending love will lead you back to Him, and it will radically change your life. Your story is written in His book, and He has good plans for you when you're ready to let Him in.

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