I don’t know if it’s starting a new job or if it is my second job that keeps me out of the house from one to three evenings a week, being so sick for the past almost two weeks that I immediately crawl into my bed when I get home from work and stay there until I rise for work the next morning, or if it is that coming back to real life from vacation blues, or a combination of all the above but I have found myself in some sort of funk and in the meantime, lost my writing mojo.
I know I don’t owe an explanation about why I haven’t been blogging regularly BUT I personally don’t like not showing up here. Not because I feel like I have to, but because I want to. I want to write and process and connect with you who make me feel not so alone when you say “me too” to my craziest thoughts. But lately, showing up has seemed like a very daunting and overwhelming task. (Unless I have anniversary pictures to share)
Whenever I start to feel stuck, when I find myself in somewhat of a funk or just notice that overall, physically, mentally and emotionally I’m feeling off, at some point I have an A-ha moment and ask myself “what is different about the past few weeks?” I’ve examined my life lately a little bit and asked myself what I am doing more of (working, learning, adapting to a lot of change) and what am I doing less of. I’ve noticed that A. I haven’t worked out ONCE since I got back from Hawaii and B. I haven’t written a real blog post, one that really allows me to pour my heart out and process whatever feeling I may be having. Duh you might say, we’ve covered you haven’t blogged. But I think for me, writing is more than publishing a blog post to check it off my list. Writing is therapeutic; even when my blog post sits in drafts indefinitely and no ones eyes ever see it besides my own. Writing, much like running, helps get my crazies out of my head and helps me make sense of the world. My head can be a scary place sometimes-so full of all of these thoughts and what ifs and what’s next that I have to find a way to get them OUT. Running helps me name my feelings, writing helps me sort them out. And I haven’t done either in a few weeks.
So, I don’t know what the next few weeks will look like for my blog but I have made a commitment to myself to get out and do some sort of physical exercise AND to write five times a week. I bought myself a new pretty journal for the days that I don’t have a blog worthy topic to give myself permission to just write without feeling the obligation to post what I write. To write about my day, my feelings, my fears, my failures, my hopes, etc. I don’t want to feel pressured to write something I deem blog worthy OR to publish something crappy that even I wouldn’t want to read, I just want to start putting words on paper (or a computer screen).
I’ve also given myself permission to do whatever kind of exercise feels good. Although I hope to not be feeling so crappy this week as I did last week, if all I feel up to is a 20 minute walk, I am going to make that a priority. If I don’t feel like going on a three mile run but I can handle a relaxing yoga class after work, then that is what I will do. Somedays the thought of a 30 minute run is overwhelming so I choose to stay on my couch versus even taking a simple walk outside. My body needs the endorphins and it seems like I need the process of writing just as much. Its only taken me three weeks to figure out what I need to do to get out of this funk, but I really think this is a step in the right direction.
Also, a side note is that have you ever noticed that when you sit down to write, even when you think you have absolutely nothing to say, once you get started, the words come? Sometimes they are words you want to publish (after some serious editing business) and sometimes they aren’t suitable for the whole world to read, but the words do tend to come once you start writing. So that’s my hope. That I start exercising again, and I start writing to find those words and my mind will settle and my heart will feel a little more at ease.