Thursday, October 10, 2013

Marriage: Rules for Fighting

Hello hello Happy Is A Choice readers! I am so excited that while the new Mrs. Rasmussen is off being married (!) I am here to do a special guest post for her!

I am Samantha from Everyday With S&J. Now that we're through with introductions... let's get down to some marriage advice!

Now I have only been married for 3 months and some days... Why am I in a place to give out marriage advice?

Well, I'm still married... So there's that. =)

But also because right before I got married I was constantly being given advice, and it's all pretty fresh in my brain.

My husband and I were married through our church and had to go through some pre-marriage counseling prior to our big day. We were not really looking forward to it but we learned so much from the experience. One lesson that really stuck with me, and that we have been able to use, are the Rules for Fighting.

Guess what. We fight. I'm not going to sugar coat it. We are both really stubborn, and we both think we are right... pretty much always. But our marriage isn't about trying to change each other or me trying to make him more like me. I fell in love with the person he is, and I don't want that person to go away. So when we can fight fairly, and follow the rules, we better each other and our marriage.

These are the rules that were taught to us, with a little of my own ad-libbing and opinion thrown in there.

Rule #1: Hold hands when you fight.
This is one of the hardest and best rules. For me... when my husband is making me mad the last thing I want to do is sit down and hold his hand. But this is such a great rule because I immediately notice if my voice is too high, and I stop yelling. It calms me down. And I can focus on what is really important; him, us, our marriage.

Rule #2: No name calling, no cursing, and no hitting below the belt.
Sometimes in the heat of the moment, when you feel hurt, it's easy to say something that you know is going to hurt back. Don't do it. You'll regret it. And we don't ever want to hurt the person we love. That is just going to make the fight last longer.

Rule #3: No hitting. At all.
Really, please don't make me explain this one. Just don't do it. Duh. Moving on.

Rule #4: Don't go to bed angry.
If I'm being completely honest... this is the very hardest rule for us. Sometimes it is easier for us to sleep on it, calm down a little, and revisit it in the morning. We both usually come back to the argument with fresh perspective and much less attitude. If we do have to go to bed angry, we always at least make sure we tell each other, "I love you."

Rule #5: Listen.
So simple, so important. Listen to what he is saying, and why he is upset. Listen to his side of things. If you can listen actively it might give you some insight into why you're in this position in the first place.

Rule #6: Don't bring up fights from the past.
You should leave what's in the past in the past. To quote Rafiki, "It doesn't matter, it's in the past." Ok, this might not be the case exactly, but bringing up a fight that you already had and have already (hopefully) gotten through, is not going to help your current situation.

Rule #7: Don't bring in outside people.
Your marriage is between you, your husband, and God. No one else. Telling your husband that your mother agrees with you right in the middle of your fight is going to help no one. Keep it between you guys. Don't make someone pick sides, or risk damaging a relationship between you and a friend, or your husband and a friend.

Rule #8: Pray.
Pray with your husband. Pray for your husband. Pray for yourself. Pray for your marriage. Pray. Keep Him as an active role in your marriage!

If you can follow these rules you will have a perfect marriage. I kid, I kid. But if you can follow these rules maybe you can use fights arguments discussions to better your marriage and your relationship through God.

Ok, that's enough wisdom for one day. For more nuggets of knowledge, random thoughts, and happenings of my life please stop by Everyday With S&J and say hi!



  1. I like the holding hands rule. I read once that if you hug someone for at least 6 seconds, it releases some kind of something that makes you feel more connected. So when we're mad, I try to get Jordan to hug me for 6 seconds :)

  2. great post to see since i'm going to be getting married in march.