Its been about ten months now. Ten months since I first got sick, and didn't know why I was healthy for 24 years until one day, I just wasn't.
It has been a hard ten months. Life has been pretty dark for me for a lot of those months. Its been a battle, a battle for my health, my faith, a battle with doctors and insurance companies.
What amazes me the most is through this dark period, God has been fighting for me every step of the way. God brought Ronnie into my life just a few short months before I was diagnosed with rheuamotid arthritis, so most of our relationship has been during a really trying time for me. I have gone through some crazy ups and downs, have been miserable, have been angry, weepy, distraught, hopeless, anxious for so much of the last ten months, I don't know how Ronnie does it.
I still can't believe he chose me, despite it all.
Friday I opened a letter from my insurance company, saying because I switched policies, even though I stayed with the same company, I would be subject to a six month waiting period in which my RA would NOT be covered. I take enbrel which is thousands of dollars a month before insurance, so there would be no way for me to continue treatment if I wasn't covered.
All weekend I have been fighting some serious anxiety and depression. I really struggle with anxiety, and sometimes I just get so anxious I internalize it so much that it leads to me feeling depressed and hopeless. I am so thankful for a man who loves me and walks through this with me. When I finally told him what was going on in my head and in my heart, I felt such a weight lifted off of me. Knowing I can be real with him and tell him what I am struggling with, even if it is trusting God in these moments, he loves me through them, and points me to the cross.
I spoke with the insurance company today, and they have lifted the wait period which is such a huge blessing. My next step is to get a new prior authorization approval sent from my doctor to the insurance company to approve the Enbrel. I should be relieved and thankful for the wait period being lifted, but instead I just am tired.
Tired of all the hoops I have to jump through. Tired of the phone calls after phonecalls. Tired of having to take such an expensive medicine. Tired of the side effects that come with it. Tired of all the unforseen ways this disease has affected my life. Never would've guessed that switching jobs could have such a serious effect on my health. Today, I am struggling with doubt, fear, anxiety and worry. Today, I question why I even ever had to get sick.
And you know what? Its okay for me to have these feelings. I don't have to hide them, I don't have to be ashamed of them. God wants me to share them with Him, he wants me to cast my anxieties on to Him. He wants to remind me He has been nothing but faithful to me, and He keeps His promises. He wants me to bring these feelings and fears into the light so he can heal my heart and use them for His glory.
Too often we stifle these things, thinking it is wrong to have these feelings, because it could be worse. There is some shame that comes along with admitting we are not doing well, at least in my mind. There is shame that comes from saying outloud that we are having a hard time trusting God. I feel guilt and shame that is straight from the enemy. But God wants us to admit them, to tell someone, to go before Him vulnerable and weak and trust Him to hold our world together when we can't. He doesn't want us faking it to everyone and to Him just like we wouldnt want someone we love to fake it and pretend everything is okay when it isnt.
I am making a conscious effort to be real, to acknowledge my struggles, to share them with those I love, to confess them to God and to worship His everlasting goodness even when I am questioning Him.
“When I said, ‘My foot is slipping,’ your love, Oh Lord, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul” (Psalm 94:18-19)