For the sake of being real here, and not falling into the trap of pretending my life is perfect and trouble free, I want to share that lately, despite all the blessings in my life, I have felt like life is just hard. I feel guilty for even writing that, because we are blessed with so many things I truly am grateful for, but still, my struggles in this season are true to me.
Being engaged is one of the happiest times in a girls life, it is a dream come true for me to get to be able to marry my best friend and to know he chose me to be his wife. But, with the ring comes wedding planning which has been a major source of stress in my life.
On top of planning our wedding, we also just bought a house, I switched jobs (and insurance policies which is no easy feat for someone who a chronic disease), and am working on my masters. I have come to the conclusion that I do not handle change super well, infact, it overwhelms me and downright scares me at times. Usually, I just feel like a crazy person 99% of the time, because my emotions are all over the place.
I've really made an effort to slow down my life, and take a step back from things in order to focus on what is right in front of me. I've made lists and am detirmined to just check one thing off a day. And my wonderful, sweet, wise fiance has reminded me the importance of resting, even when I feel like I literally do not have time.
Yesterday morning I was sitting at my vanity, drinking my coffee before getting ready for work. I read the Jesus Calling devotional, and it is just crazy to me how God speaks to me daily through it. Every day it feels like Jesus is speaking directly to my heart, to my specific situation and worries.
"Rest in My sufficiency, as you consider the challenges this day presents. Do
not wear yourself out by worrying about whether you can cope with the
pressures. Keep looking to Me and communicating with Me, as we walk through
this day together."- Jesus Calling
I spefically needed to read that yesterday, I needed to be reminded that I do not have to carry my own burdens, I do not have to try and do it all, I cannot rely on my own strength to get through this season. Every day I can accomplish more, be more productive, and full of the Lord's peace if I just lean on Him and walk with Him, moment by moment.
My idoaltry of tasks, spefically completing tasks has been revealed to me. I find security and peace when I check things off my list, instead of when I spend time in rest and worship with my Father. I am praying for the Lord to break me of that and teach me how to be a productive, organized woman, wife, employee and student while not worshipping the idol of busyness and to-do lists.
Today, I feel God tapping me on the shoulder, telling me to open up my eyes to see the ways he displays his love for me. Today, on my lunch break Ronnie and I are going to one of my favorite restraunts, and after work, I am treating myself to a massage my dad bought for me over a YEAR AGO. I also opened my wallet while digging for stamps and found a fairly large check that I forgot to cash from 3 months ago, which is such an incredible blessing when it feels like we are spending more money than we are brining in. I am so thankful for all of the above, for the way He wants to love us and bless us, even when we don't deserve it.